there’s no getting around what i’m feeling is simple fear.  i remember this particular feeling when i was in new york, looking for a place to live, when i climbed out of the subway station in bay ridge on my way to see a possible roommate situation, saw houses there and said to the world in general “can i live here?”

i’ve always been afraid of suddenly landing with nothing.  not posessions as such (per se) but nowhere to be.  i suppose because it’s happened before, when i was a kid, i don’t know, but it’s my primal fear.  now that’s not happening right now, i know it’s not, actually, things seem to be moving right along, my reception is quite good, actually.  but the fear is there all the same.  i don’t know how to be.  i am afraid. i am all alone and everyone else has much worse problems but i am afraid.

if i look at the amount of money i need to make to get by, it’s really not all that much.  i am educated, i am skilled in a general way, i have a work history here now.  i will be able to make it all work.  but i am still afraid.  afraid that i will end up with nowhere to be again.

i have somewhere to be this afternoon.  in just over an hour, as a matter of fact, and i think i will grab some food before then, treat myself.  maybe that will calm the fear in my stomach some.  this feeling i had whenever i went anywhere: when i went to Oregon on the bus at 22, when i went to new york at 30, this fear feeling like i’m lost and i don’t know what will happen to me.  it hasn’t changed, it’s what’s kept me plugging along here in this hole for the past 15 years.  i’ll just have to wait it out.  they will want me for a teaching job eventually.  they will.  i will work extra to pay off the bills until it all works out and i can live on that.  i will not lose myself again.

but right now i will go get some food and then go think about cinco de mayo in wimauma. and hope somebody will answer me.  it’s really this being all alone.