i got my first quarterly bill for the payment on the money i borrowed from retirement to live for this year.  that means that one quarter of this year has gone.  have i done enough?  have i done the right things?  beats me, i don’t seem to be able to think anymore.  i made an appointment with OT for a checkup, perhaps he can help me think about it better.  a quarter gone.  in a way it seems as if i have done so much, in a way it seems that i have made little progress at all.

so this is not a particularly good day. i had the morning off but didn’t do much with it but sleep in and surf.  i picked up around the kitchen, swiffered the bedroom floor.  there is so much to do, i don’t even know where to begin, really, and just move things around.  that little bit made me very tired, anyway.  i don’t know if it’s much progress, but at least it’s circular motion.

i wonder if i should write out a list of everything that’s happened that i’m concerned with since i last saw him?  he says it’s been a year.  that really makes me worried as i haven’t done a year’s worth of things since last i was there, it doesn’t seem.  i’m just flailing here.  am i?

well, let’s just concentrate on this year, since my job ended:  i got unemployment for awhile, then found a part-time job teaching art and another one for pickup money at NOLA cafe.  i got into the “accident” with the insurance scam woman, and registered for the teaching certification course which, more and more seems entirely bogus.  rob got me in contact with charles washington who, when we finally got together seemed to have lots of ideas for what i should/could do but then never was available again. i went to Santa Cruz for woolfcamp and met all these folks i’ve been corresponding with (only no scriners, who must be shy.) i applied for another parttime job at the Trib, which tish recommended me for, although i don’t kow how i would work it in with the fulltime art job in june and july.

what i still have to work on is the teaching certificate course, finding a teaching job, setting up an ebay store, selling the land for a cut rate to pay off bills, making art and cleaning out the house.  i haven’t even really begun on those.  maybe OT will help me to prioritze them, or look at them differently.  or tell me to do everything all differently as it’s obvious that i’m fucking crazy and rudderless, heading for a giant crash.

or not.