it is easter sunday and i am sad.  i would have liked to go to church, but i don’t do that anymore.  i would have liked to, but i feel profoundly unwelcome at my church.  a fish out of water.  i am not unwelcome in any way, of course, i know that.  when i went back there one sunday a few months ago i was almost chased away with the welcoming, even after years, and i have not since returned.  the fact remains that i feel unwelcome, anyway, and it’s me, not them.  a few years ago an interim they had railed at the c&e’s and, although i was not one of them, of coursse, i was so terribly distressed that very soon i stopped going altogether.  and i would be a c&e if i went today, and i very much feel like one whenever i should attempt to resume, c or e or tuesday.  i feel wrong, all wrong.  and then last summer, that sunday i attempted to return, i got the hours of the service wrong somehow, and arrived when it was almost over, and was all wrong,  and everyone so surprised and happy to see me and i couldn’t wait to get away:all i had wanted was the service and all i got was the rubber chicken.  and now here it is e and i still feel like i’ve nowhere to go.  i want somewhere to go, but i don’ feel comfortable there.  i don’t know what it’s about.  i feel all wrong and alone, more there than just sitting here alone. it’s excruciating.  not unlike the philosophy department, actually, all that psychic energy expended by me, and so futilely.  i’m all wrong. perhaps i should go sit on a pillar.