enough tootling.  i did nothing all day but finish a flounce around a shawl and listen to wwoz.  it is sunday, after all.  but i ate a meal!  3, if you push it: a cappa and the last of the oatmeal for breakfast around noon (no, i was up long before then, but never got around to getting up from the knitting to make it); a dish of campbell’s pork and beans from the hurricane supplies, and a small hunka cheese that was in there from the last shopping trip to fresh market a month or so ago, at 4; and then at 7:30 i actually “cooked” a frozen rock of meat, one of those filets that’s wrapped around with a bacon strip to keep it together, residing in the freezer for over a year, solid, and i braised a handful of baby carrots and had a glass of wine.  i’m even having the dregs of an unfinished carton of organic whole milk french vanilla yogurt, which has been sitting in there for a week since i didn’t want the rest of it one day.  food, this is actual food, not cookies.  i used the magic oven thing i bought a year ago in an attempt to mend this reluctance then (which is when the filet dates from, i’m sure.) i need to buy some raw material, but i’m afraid if i do it will just rot, or sit in the freezer like the filet did.  but really, it was good, as easy as opening the bag of cookes, and it makes me feel like a human being.  oh, that must be it, stickler for truth in advertising that i am…

i thought this evening “well, if i have to declare bankruptcy in a couple of months, i guess i just will.” actually, i probably will be better able to live if that happens.  i just won’t be able to live with myself, is all.  but still, i will still be alive.  first, though, i must see about finally selling that land i’ve been putting off for over six months, to see if i can hold out a bit longer ‘til a job comes along.  i’ll call somebody tomorrow.  i can use the money to pay down the variable rate equity line, which would be smart and would reduce my monthly nut, rather than just hanigng onto the cash to live on and seeing my indebtedness mount and mount.

it is hot in here.  it is 90 degrees outside, says the thingy.