i got my first quarterly bill for the payment on the money i borrowed from retirement to live for this year.  that means that one quarter of this year has gone.  have i done enough?  have i done the right things?  beats me, i don’t seem to be able to think anymore.  i made an appointment with OT for a checkup, perhaps he can help me think about it better.  a quarter gone.  in a way it seems as if i have done so much, in a way it seems that i have made little progress at all.

so this is not a particularly good day. i had the morning off but didn’t do much with it but sleep in and surf.  i picked up around the kitchen, swiffered the bedroom floor.  there is so much to do, i don’t even know where to begin, really, and just move things around.  that little bit made me very tired, anyway.  i don’t know if it’s much progress, but at least it’s circular motion.

i wonder if i should write out a list of everything that’s happened that i’m concerned with since i last saw him?  he says it’s been a year.  that really makes me worried as i haven’t done a year’s worth of things since last i was there, it doesn’t seem.  i’m just flailing here.  am i?

well, let’s just concentrate on this year, since my job ended:  i got unemployment for awhile, then found a part-time job teaching art and another one for pickup money at NOLA cafe.  i got into the “accident” with the insurance scam woman, and registered for the teaching certification course which, more and more seems entirely bogus.  rob got me in contact with charles washington who, when we finally got together seemed to have lots of ideas for what i should/could do but then never was available again. i went to Santa Cruz for woolfcamp and met all these folks i’ve been corresponding with (only no scriners, who must be shy.)  i applied for another parttime job at the Trib, which tish recommended me for, although i don’t kow how i would work it in with the fulltime art job in june and july.

what i still have to work on is the teaching certificate course, finding a teaching job, setting up an ebay store, selling the land for a cut rate to pay off bills, making art and cleaning out the house.  i haven’t even really begun on those.  maybe OT will help me to prioritze them, or look at them differently.  or tell me to do everything all differently as it’s obvious that i’m fucking crazy and rudderless, heading for a giant crash.

or not.

i could think of some way to get the toilet seat fixed.

my passport and social security card, about which i woke up thinking “look under the keyboard cover on the piano.”  but they weren’t there so i went back to bed and pulled up the sheet and stared at the wall thinking about my imminent demise.  a few moments later i thought “look in the drawer in the bottom of the armoire, where the diplomas are.” all my old dissertation stuff was in there, and the print outs of the happiness material, toss, toss, toss.  and the ziplock bag with the important papers, which i had forgotten about after whichever hurricane crisis (Charlie, i think) i created it for and then tossed it in there with the home inventory.  there they were, both of them.

now the study is dismanntled and i have the goods.  can’t walk into the room, but i have the goods.  i may be being sued for all i own, but i have the goods, and that means i have a couple of days free to get some things done before nola again sunday morning. one day at a time. next?

the county has moved at last and they are all set now to sign me up to begin the art teaching job—-on March 6!  that’s three weeks away!  i don’t know how I’m going to do this, i’ll have to stop at NOLA until March 5, at least in order to avoid losing money, and try to get some temp work or something to make some more. NOLA is great, but it just doesn’t pay enough to drop unemployment for it and, until I can begin the teaching, there’s no sense in working there.  I hope they want me back three weeks from now, they’ll be mad.  sigh.  three more weeks!  that’s nearly 2 months since I got the job, this is really ridiculous.

oh well, I’ll just have to use the itme, I suppose.  somehow.

tom just called and gave me a whole week’s schedule at once, no more calling me at the last minute to work right then :)  i get tomorrow off, too!  Then i’m in in the morning thursday, and evening on friday; evning sunday and monday and morning on tuesday.  so we’ll see how that goes.  actually, if i make enough, i’d rather it that way. of course, the rec. dept job hasn’t started yet, we’ll have to see what’s what when they finally get their stuff together…it would be easier to work it all in if i do mornings and evenings on weekdays, providing i make enough without lunches.  Maybe I could get a lunch shift on a weekend, or something.  we’ll see.  at any rate, I’m employed again beginning thursday. yay!

i spent yesterday evening at NOLA and made what he said was “the record” for a saturday night shift, so i guess they like me. meanwhile, i did some numbers on my first three shifts and it came out to about $10.50 an hour, which isn’t bad for a low-end part time job, now is it.  i have no idea if that will hold once i begin getting regular shifts, but i can hope.  meanwhile, i still like it.  it’s rather hard at present as i have little clue, but it’s nice being there and listening to the music at the cafe, i feel like i’ve fallen into one of poppy’s novels somehow, how do i do these things?

now i have at least three days off, which means i can move my self-assessment thing for the certification program to tomorrow and maybe go to the knit club this afternoon if i like.  i want to get that top finished to wear to woolfcamp in 2 weeks.

and so i will continue for awhile.

drawing up a sample schedule for moi, which includes 3 hours of studio time 5 days a week, 5 4-hour nola shifts, 2 7-hour and one 5-hour rec dept. shift, and 3 3-hour certification study sessions, with random blocks scattered here and there for whatever else (like staying connected at the knit shop.)  i remember doing this in grad school (and then never following it.)  it does look workable, however.  now if I can just get the county to begin and nola to hold off until it does.  it’s not all THAT important, I suppose, but it would be nice.

this means that I should be up somewhere around 6:30 and have coffee and check in here (on the days when I don’t have a morning shift at NOLA, that is…) load up the PDA and be out of here by 8.  i need to do this!  well, maybe in a coupla weeks, anyway.

VOCABULARY
Skilled English Language Arts teachers for grades 6-12 understand how the English language has evolved and been influenced by other languages. This includes being able to explain foreign language phrases commonly used in English, knowing the etymology of words, and understanding how the meanings of words change over time. They are familiar with Greek and Roman mythology, the Old and New Testaments of the Bible, and other works often alluded to in British and American literature so that they have vast vocabularies, know the meaning of many idioms and adages, and are able to explain the difference between the literal and figurative meanings of words. Furthermore, they identify the difference in the denotative and connotative meaning of words, and understand shades of meanings for closely related words. They know how to use general and specialized dictionaries, thesauri, and glossaries to find pronunciations, derivations, spellings, and contextually appropriate meanings of unfamiliar words, synonyms, and replacement words. They know the specific (and many) uses of the Oxford English Dictionary. They use common antonyms, synonyms, and homographs precisely. Additionally, they apply the tools of word study (Greek, Latin, and Anglo Saxon derived roots and affixes) and identify instructional techniques for increasing students’ vocabulary.

INTERPRETATION OF EXPOSITORY TEXT
Skilled English Language Arts teachers have a sure facility with expository text, including familiarity with different modes and methods of expository writing such as cause and effect, problem and solution, and comparison and contrast. They are able to read challenging passages and respond to clarifying questions concerning essential textual elements. They are able to describe how one part of a passage functions in relation to a whole passage and how paragraphs contribute to the development of an essay. They are familiar with the rhetorical features and historical significance of celebrated speeches, essays, and political documents in American history.

They know how to objectively summarize events and ideas of text. They know how to interpret the central ideas and details of text; interpret and use graphic sources of information from diagrams, charts, tables, and graphs; draw inferences, conclusions or generalizations about text; and synthesize content and ideas from several sources. These teachers not only know how to comprehend exposition, they also recognize key strategies for improving students’ reading comprehension, including identifying the essential background knowledge that students must have in order to understand a text. They are able to describe how an author’s point of view or assumptions about a subject affect the text. They are able to compare and contrast readings on the same topic and explain how authors reach the same or different conclusions based on differences in argument, style or evidence. They are able to identify elements of persuasion and logical reasoning, including the facility to distinguish between facts and opinions and between supported and unsupported opinions. In addition, they are able to assess the merits of arguments, evaluate the accuracy and adequacy of an author’s evidence to support claims and assertions, and identify logical fallacies in text. Additionally, they can identify ambiguities, subtleties, contradictions, paradoxes, ironies, incongruities, and overstatements and understatements present in text.

INTERPRETATION OF LITERARY TEXTS
Skilled English Language Arts teachers have a working knowledge of literature in all its forms and know how to bring text to life so students are engaged and develop good independent reading habits. This includes understanding the historical development of major literary genres and subgenres and the ability to identify characteristics of modes of writing, including satire, parody, allegory, pastoral, narrative, comedy, tragedy, farce, novel, and various poetic forms. They have a working familiarity with the major literary schools, movements, periods, and figures in the history of English and American literature, with emphases on high quality and demanding literature for middle and high school students. They understand the historical and philosophical contexts that shaped that literature, and have a basic awareness of major critical approaches to literature. They interpret literary elements of great literary texts, including the ability to determine the underlying themes in literary works—and compare themes across texts—by examining the motivations and reactions of characters. They have a working familiarity with universal mythic themes. They are able to analyze an author’s development of time and sequence and explain how the narrator’s stance impacts elements of the plot. They are able to define how mood or meaning is conveyed in prose and poetry. Specifically, they have knowledge of the poetic conventions of verse (sound, prosody, form, graphic elements), and are able to explain the function of dramatic conventions such as chorus, asides, dramatis personae, and character foils. They are able to paraphrase difficult passages of great works of poetry as well as recite (from memory) dramatic soliloquies with fluency, rhythm, appropriate intonation, and vocal patterns. They write essays about elements in a selection of literature that reflect all this knowledge and expertise.

SPEECH
Skilled English Language Arts teachers know how to identify a speaker’s point of view and summarize major ideas and supporting evidence presented in spoken messages.They are able to evaluate the credibility of the speaker; assess how word choice and delivery affect the message; and analyze oral arguments, identifying possible sources of logical fallacies present in oral addresses. They are able to formulate sound, rational arguments and deliver focused oral presentations that follow the rules of the English language. They know how to paraphrase information shared orally by others in classroom discussions, translating vague or incoherent statements from students into clearer, more coherent ones, and distinguishing relevant comments from digressions. They also know how to give precise directions and instructions to students and educate students in the traditional rules and formats of debate.

WRITING STRATEGIES & APPLICATIONS
In their own writing, skilled English Language Arts teachers use basic conventions of Standard English, including identifying parts of speech and their functions. They also know common grammar and usage errors that English language learners may make. They are able to avoid common problems such as run on sentences, sentence fragments, and comma splices, and they use appropriate punctuation (e.g., correct ending and internal punctuation, apostrophes, punctuation with quotations) and spell correctly. They have knowledge of the principles of composition, such as paragraphing, variety in sentence structure, effective coordination and subordination of ideas, smooth transitions, precise word choice, and effective use of rhetorical techniques when completing expressive, persuasive, or narrative writing and speech assignments. They understand the acquisition and development of writing skills, including the stages of the writing process—pre-writing through revision and editing—and its recursive nature. They know how to structure and delimit writing assignments to provide appropriate challenges for students and to construct sequences of assignments to provide different degrees of rhetorical or logical difficulty. They know how to evaluate student writing in a manner that explains clearly to the student the errors and shortcomings of the writing, and suggest improvements in ideas and content, organization, transitions, voice, word choice, sentence fluency, eloquence, and style.

RESEARCH STRATEGIES
Skilled English Language Arts teachers understand successful research strategies, including narrowing the focus of a research question, knowing the function of and appropriately using research sources, skimming materials to develop a general overview, summarizing and organizing information from multiple sources, and citing research sources using accepted conventions. They can conduct searches and use databases on the Internet, evaluating whether or not an Internet source was reliable.

the to do list, edited, says all i have to do today is fill out those application forms and take them, with my drivers’ license and stub, to jackie after lunch. everything else can come in time. i should be able to get that done. focus.  breathe.  think.  read.  plan food.  calm. calm.

it was really so much easier when I just had to go to work every day, although so much deader.  how did i get things done then, they didn’t bloom out of control then.  they didn’t bloom then, i didn’t do them then.  i didn’t bloom then.

spent some time looking at the financial picture.  i can survive with just the rec job and my “savings” through the end of this year.  that means i can afford to give myself until the end of summer to find a fulltime job i want.  if I sell the land and pay down the monthly nut, I can afford to live on beginning teacher’s pay, if i can get it.  otherwise I will have to give up this idea and do something else.  at the present rate, i can give myself through, say, july to see what works, and then i’ll have to get on the stick about getting a fulltime awful job again.  this doesn’t count selling the land, or on ebay, or a second job (the knit shop?) which would only add to it, or the termite insurance bills, which will reduce it some, a rise ini nsurance rates, which could kill it, or losing my mind which ditto.

so i guess i can breathe a little.  my instinct is to run back to the familiar, but then I won’t get out of the trap.  i have to take the next 6 months or so to see what will come, or i never will. and it took a month to get to this point where i can see the plan.

but i’m still scared.

i just heard from the realtor.  my lot is worth only half of what i was told last fall because of the scrub jays.  i’m not going to think about this, it won’t pay off all my debts, that’s for sure.  i still may sell it and see if it’s worth it to get at least some of the debt paid down, but i’m not going to think about that right now.

the government has not only doubled the minimum on my gredit card for my own good, it has taken my only asset with which to pay it off.  thanks, asshats.

i just filed my first unemployment claim, for one week, after all this time—it’s been over a month since i left work.  and they will withhold 10% for taxes, after deducting the $17.50 i made at the knit shop last week.  i’m thinking i should get around $235 for this week, in a couple of weeks, i suppose.  what a racket, huh?  well, if i get a parks and rec part time job, i won’t be on unemployment and can then be free to get more part time, if i can find it.  but then, i’m not thinking about that, am i.

why am i nauseated?

and i still can’t get the damned broken toilet seat fixed!