so now i’ve slept through until now and now of course i’m worrying about money.  i don’t know what i have scheduled at nola this week, but it doesn’t seem like enough, and now with the car trouble i’ve lost this morning’s shift.  damn, they’re disorganized there, i’ve been thinking i’m gong to have to think about finding something else parttime, instead. but is that premature?  i don’t know.  perhaps work on the ebay thing for awhile?  i don’t know.  i don’t know.  i just woke a little worried again.

i go to the rec this afternoon, and then for 7 hours tomorrow.  am i just getting used to this schedule or what?  actually, i was going to post how wonderful everything seemed yesterday, but now it’s past.  but it really did, it was!

edit:  staring at my excel sheet, with my present set up, counting an estimate from nola and judicious purchasing (read: none), at the end of the year, if nothing changes, i should have about 6 months more before the money runs out completely.  that’s okay.  i keep staring at it and i just don’t believe it, but it should be okay.  and tish has just emailed about a part time billing job at the trib, perhaps i should apply for that.

all manner of things will be well.  now should i keep the sturdy shoes from zappos or send ‘em back?  maybe keep ‘em but not wear ‘em and if i’m not at nola much longer then send ‘em back.

now i can’t sleep.  and tomorrow, or later today, i’m supposed to work 7-11 at nola, and then 2-6 at the rec.  that means i have to be up in 4 hours, or have car trouble.  which, after yesteday’s debacle, he damn well deserves. 

but I deserve sleep! i’ve been trying since 10.  what’s going on?  what?

i thought i had this worry somewhat under control and, somewhat, i do.  but i am awake at 3am, 4 now, so not entirely, i guess.  when the sun comes up i have to call the insurance representative woman to find out the latest news on the insurance scamming woman who is suing me.  i imagine i will be taken for everything i have and, although i am greatly comforted knowing it is crap and that i did nothing wrong (i would be hysterical if i had!) still i’m up in the wee hours.  i did get some sleep, though, so that shows improvement.  and, on some level, i’m aware that i almost welcome this development in a way, as yet another fantasy escape scenario, even though that’s worst case thinking, i know.

the other thing that comes out of it is the awareness of the community that’s fostered here.  i actually hadn’t posted about this for several hours after i found out about it, precisely from “old tapes” kind of thinking (coupled with denial, of course) but then i realized it’s reading everybody’s plights that makes this thing of mine easier to bear, whatever it is, and so i need to put it out there myself, don’t i.  yas.  it’s probably nothing.  or something, but not as bad as i’m imagining.  or something.  i will find out in a few hours what the next step is, anyway.  i’m going to have glass of milk now.

my own next steps are studying and beginning the art job on monday! yeah!

this morning, worrying bout my NOLA job.  i must be all better.  let’s see if i can get this evening’s 4-9 shift, after which a new week begins on Wednesday.  i hope they’re still willing to schedule me, since there hasn’t been anything for a week.

Edit: just talked to tom.  he is working me in this evening so he can go to the doctor, yay!  so maybe my life will restart.  i also spoke with unemployment, which had only paid me for one week out of two (i must say that i’ve had to call every time, but the people i get are helpful and understanding!)  they released my money for the second week (out of which they subtract $100 for my tip money that check) and supposedly have set me up so i can claim through saturday and then that will be that.  the arts & crafts job starts a week from today, at last.  i think i will once again attempt to tear everything apart to find my passport, since i have to show my social security card to yet another person and am dubious about them accepting this 35-year-old stub (walnut creek!) as readily as jackie did, and i sure don’t want any more snafus at the finish line!

i am home from camp, i have all these wonderful new friends, but still my heart is broken as ted seems to be under a pile of snow and cannot signal! or perhaps the door was left ajar and he ran out, not familiar with all these new folks around?  maybe he’s snowed under in a different way, with teaching and pasting up, and has inadvertantly pasted himself to the wall.  or his ibook is worse than he most ambivalently lets on in his posts?  perhaps he’s just shy. but ted! ted! answer me, ted!  I haven’t heard from you in weeks, although i see you are at least breathing, unless you’ve figured out that postdated posting thing we were talking about at camp this weekend…come back! all is forgiven!  what was it anyway? was it the socks? they’re still on the list.  forgive me, ted!  i learned that flickr thing. i promise i won’t ask you a single windows question. look, i’ll even spell it windoze for you, ted. Where The Hell Are YA????

EDIT:  He Lives!  He Lives!  that didn’t take long at all.  (he had a tech meltdown that sounds worse than what i’d gleaned from his posts.)  He speaks! whew!

and it’s the same.  the teaching salary will work if i can sell the land.  is it just that i don’t want to do anything at all, is that why i’m so anxious?

worrying about money.  i don’t know why really.  it is taking so long for any to come in.  the county hasn’t moved yet and now i have a schedule beginning tomorrow for NOLA, which will subtract itself from unemployment until the county finally does kick in.  and that could take another week to start and another two weeks after that for the money to arrive.  so i’ll be working for nola for free for virtually a month.  but that doesn’t really affect the money i’ve got, i’ve got unemployment until it does and i’d planned on that.  so i don’t know what the worry is.  maybe it’s the procrastination on the certification study, i don’t know.  everything is taking so long and i’m taking even longer.

then there’s the secondary money things i haven’t done anything about, selling the land and selling on ebay.  I haven’t gotten the appraisal to dot to look over yet and it’s been 10 days or so on that.  i need to sell that land to reduce debt, but i also need to get top dollar.  and the ebay, i haven’t had a minute to think about ebay, really.  too busy procrastinating.

why am i worrying?  i don’t understand it.  why today? i should be able to make it, is it just because i’m not going to an office and it’s going on 2 months now?  so i figure I’ve got to pay?

i am getting the sniffles?  or was it just lunch with david with the outdoors and the chardonnay?  i hope so.  i’m “resting” just now.  cough, cough.

here are flowers that boot sent me to celebrate my new job.  thank you, madama boot, they are lovely.

i continue to worry about the employment picture (no pun intended.)  or maybe i begin to worry.  it makes no sense, as this job is a boon and merely takes the place of unemployment, which allows me now to make additional money than i couldn’t have on unemployment, and make it for longer.  maybe it’s because it suddenly makes it all real.  well, i’m also waiting to hear from a realtor about a market price for my piece of land i intend to sell to get me out of debt, and that might be part of it, i don’t know.  i don’t know much, actually.  i’m thinking of disappearing under the covers today again, but of course i won’t.  i haven’t yet, despite my planning/boasting.  what kind of looney gets anxious when her plans work out?  (the kind that had them work out before to disastrous results, i suppose.)

i’m scared, that’s all.  that makes no difference, after all.

i’m all nervous and it doesn’t feel good.  i went to the knit shop yesterday after my errands so I could be amongst folks and be calm, and then when i got home last night she emailed me that she wanted me to come in at 9:30 in the morning to talk about the schedule because she couldn’t talk when people were there.  WTF? she hasn’t scheduled me for three weeks, and now i have to go there at 9:30 in the morning on a day when i’m still not scheduled???  i said wednesday, but then this morning I realized that is really not good, so i just emailed her that I could do wednesday evening after the shop closes as i will be there in the afternoon anyway probably.  what on earth is she thinking, anyway?  completely deflated my mood (which i had related to her, too, when i bought things while i was there yesterday.)  and that’s too bad as I didn’t want to be anxious about this interview, which is why i went there in the first place.

but I am anxious.  i don’t know why, it’s just an interview, nothing but good can come of it.  if it’s not The Thing, then at least it’s a step.  oh, but I am anxious about something.  gaaar. yuk.  it’s probably because she seems to disapprove of me all the time and that’s just what i need; it’s one of the reasons i haven’t bothered worrying about hours at the shop for weeks, so i wouldn’t get pissed when she didn’t schedule me.  who knows what it is.  she’s probably going to tell me she’s not scheduling me, big news, and i have to come in specially to hear it?  gaaar. yuk.

coffee and beignets.

“Good afternoon, e

    Becoming breezy today with a mixture of sunshine and clouds. High temperatures will reach the middle 70s. A High Surf Advisory is in effect until 10 p.m. Wednesday for coastal areas from Pasco County southward. A Lake Wind Advisory has been posted through 10 p.m. tonight for all of the area. The wind today will increase to 15 to 25 mph from the south, with gusts to 35 mph.
    That’s the forecast for the Tampa Bay area.”

the sun is hitting the window and the overgrown bushes are blowing around.  here on the divan, it looks cold out there.  but it’s not, the temperature reads 73, it’s just cold to me.  i sit here and think, read a bit and doze.  perhaps i’m turning into rather than just (not) reading proust.  i’ve always liked proust, there’s something there for me, but i never seem to be able to do it.  my attention is scattered and, of course, i have to be on the alert for that “next thing”, that solution occupation that will just appear and take over, there’s always that.  i’ve promised i would not think about that today but always, the subtext: what now? what next?